I don’t procrastinate, I delegate to my future self.
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one time I saw a guy playing with a yoyo walk into a street sign. I laughed so hard that it changed me. It changed everything.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Unless your vacation pics contain a shark attack please keep them to yourself.
My kid told me her toy tarantula and bat had babies and I’ll never sleep again
Me: Oh God help I’ve been stabbed in the tummy
911: how old are you?
Me: 38
911: omg
Me: what
911: 38
Me: what
911: tummy
Me: just send help
911: ok tummy sending you an amby wamby
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
my lawyer: deny everything
me: no
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
-commercial break-
Husband: *silent*
-fight scene-
Husband: *completely and utterly silent*
-quiet dialogue scene-
Husband: so let me tell you about the history of rockets
Growing up, my weather app was a window. Now I need two forecasts and a radar map just to decide how I should do my hair.
Why the phone ring longer when u ignoring the call
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
I got you a bath bomb to relax. It’s a toaster
It’s important to vary your diet. Like, yesterday I had popcorn & a margarita for dinner so tonight I’m having popcorn & wine for dinner.
why do men take selfies like they’re being held hostage & can only communicate through their eyes that something terrible is happening
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
If I ever get pregnant, I’m dying my hair green & getting more tattoos, so when the kid rebels he’ll go to a good college & become a doctor.
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
Waiter: and would you like mayonnaise on that?
Wife: Ew, gross.
Me: Why are you making your sex noises at him?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made