I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.

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What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea


We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.


The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.


People complain when my baby is crying and then they complain when I stuff her in the overhead bin, MAKE UP YOUR GD MINDS


[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.


Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.


Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone


Dear Abby,

I told my husband I didn’t want a grilled cheese when he was making one and now I want a grilled cheese. What do I do?