I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
You Might Also Like
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
Martha Stewart gives me the crêpes.
There needs to be a Yelp for coworkers:
Gary in Accounting – 3.2/5 Stars “He can’t read emails for shit, but he’ll occasionally bring in donuts for everyone”
My girlfriend’s just had a go at me for not glistening, whatever that is
[Pokémon Pitch]
Writer: pet training with wild animals
Exec: thats already a thing
Writer: kids are the trainers
Exec: seems irresponsible
Writer: they keep them in magic balls until it’s time to fight for scout badges or something
Exec: why
Writer: unclear
Exec: tight
All I’m saying is when a person is intoxicated, it’s difficult to tell if they’re dancing or backing up.
(trying to explain what adulthood is like to a kid) you know in sims when you put a guy in the pool and then you take all the ladders out.
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Life hack: If you are sad. Don’t cry at home, wait until you go to work and cry in the bathroom. That way you’ll get pay as you cry. Cheat the system.
Dr: Are you sexually active?
Me: *cries*
Dr: Um, are you sexually-
Me: *cries harder*
Dr: …..Ok. Do you drink?
Me: YES I BLOODY DRINK
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
Now that Halloween is over I would like to re-home my poltergeist.
Pros:
Ethically sourced
Fairly quiet
Keeps to itselfCons:
Leaves all cabinet doors open
Eats all the food
May not be a poltergeist and might just be a teenager.
Interviewer: “Do you consider yourself a punctual person?”
Me: “I was born three months premature.”
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.
Home improvement paradox: every time you paint the inside of your house it gets a tiny bit smaller but every time you paint the outside of your house it gets a tiny bit larger
I’m going to go to a carpet store and act like “Crystal Mauve” is a color that everybody knows.
I don’t think I’m necessarily driving my husband crazy as much as I’ve already reached my destination.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
It’s amazing that no one at this swim up bar has had to go to the bathroom in the last three hours.
I was on a first date last night and temperature by sean paul came on. how do you keep your cool in that situation? I didn’t. made eye contact with one other dude who saw the shoulder shimmy and gave me a nod which felt validating honestly
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
The secret to making a good egg is the way you ap-poach it.
*a man in the audience has a stroke and dies from being so angry at this joke*
Friend: What’s it like having kids?
Me: *crushes cracker and sneezes it into their face*
i don’t see why i have to clean the shower. imo it is the shower’s job to clean me
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”