I got new glasses with a new prescription, and I honestly feel that I can see too much right now. It’s too much sight.
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Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
Sure Italian food is expensive but I think it’s worth every penne
Me: *trying to get comfortable on your wicker chair* I wonder if this is what sitting on shredded wheat feels like.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
My husband has Tourette’s Syndrome—
every time he drives.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
*wakes up hungover, sweaty*
*licks arm*
*gets drunk*
the tiny monsters are on their way. and my job. is to hold this bucket of snacks for them. i was told they can only take one. but that’s not my rule to enforce
Me: *Chivalrously places jacket on a puddle so the lady won’t step in it*
Woman whose water just broke: Please just call 911
I just got ripped to shreds by an extremely old man. I got on the elevator from the basement of my building and he got on too. I said “going up?” And he said “certainly. Can’t go down from here” old man I was trying to be polite why you gotta clown me like that
Nissan keeps sending me emails with my monthly vehicle health report. I hope the car is healthy but I haven’t owned it for 3 months.
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
OK, if you get to refer to your favorite football team as “we,” then I definitely get to refer to the cast of Friends as “we.”
therapist: now, once again, stress balls are for …….
me: (sighs heavily)
stress balls are for squeezing, not throwing at people when I’m stressed
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
If my memory foam mattress really had “memory,” it could write for Penthouse.
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
“Down”
“Penetration”
“Tight End”
“Ball handling”
Don’t the networks have censors any more?