When I say ditto after someone tells me they love me, it doesn’t mean I love them. It means I love me too.
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Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Don’t take financial advice from me. I used to stand in line to buy Beannie Babies
Cop: Sir, you can’t use hand-held communication devices while driving
Me: [trying to hide ouija board] What are you talking about?
superman accidentally arriving a thousand years too early
man: is that a bird?
Wife: Do the dishes
Me: Can’t. Holding the baby
Wife: Take out the trash
Me: Can’t. Baby
Wife: Change the baby
Me: Can’t. Doing dishes.
In every single case, the Scooby Doo gang discover a human is behind the mystery, not ghosts or mummies or whatever. Yet they start each new case believing the villain is a supernatural being. Every time. Not once do they say “maybe it’s an old man like last time”
Bed Bath & Beyond starts off pretty normal-sounding, but then it goes galactic.
Your table is ready. Samantha will show you to your table by speed walking through our busy dining room. we will lose some of you in the process.
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
him: this might be the whiskey talking but are you checking me out?
cop: licence and registration
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
Today was amazing. I actually had meaningful conversations with my teenagers. We discussed world events, we made eye contact, we truly communicated. I felt so blessed. Like a really good parent.
Then I heard one of them ask, “Is Instagram back up yet?”
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I can’t believe these women are just walking around with yoga mats like a game of yoga might just break out at any moment
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
If you’re worried about the birth rate then venmo me $400,000 and I will have a child
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Me: I think that’s Dave
Wife: It’s not Dave
Me: Gonna wave to him
Wife: Don’t!
Me: Hey Dave!
Auctioneer: New bidder at $80,000
Me: It’s not Dave
(invention of the crib)
put that baby in jail
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
inventor of the bow and arrow:
I will now demonstrate my exciting new technique for pointing at someone who is very very far away-OH NO