Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
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me *sad*
toddler: You know what will make you happy?
me: What?
toddler: Taking me to McDonalds
The worst thing about life is getting comfortable and then realizing that you don’t have the remote.
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Samsung just announced a series of water resistant phones. Just what you want in a phone that sets itself on fire – to be water resistant.
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
[santa gently waking me] you live like this?
Rejected Pixar Movie Titles:
House Float
Find My Fish Son
Automobile People
A Rat Cooked This
Ugh, We Gotta Find Another Fish
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Me: please give my compliments to the chef
[later]
Waiter to chef: The sweater that guy at Table 7 is wearing really brings out his eyes
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Beginning of year lunch box- here’s a nice sandwich, some yogurt, organic strawberries, some broccoli,milk
End of year- here’s a pop tart, half an Eggo waffle,a half used pack of Juicy Fruit and a can of Mt Dew.
The state parks in NJ are opening today, but the bathrooms will be closed. I’m still staying home, too much anxiety worrying about where to go if I gotta take a shit.
The birds that suddenly appear every time I’m near are circling vultures.
Looking forward to getting my eyes checked. It’s the only doctor who doesn’t weigh me.
How to ruin your kids day:
1. See their sock on the floor
2. Ask them to pick up their sock
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
Me: [getting mugged]
THANK YOU FOR WEARING A MASK
So my therapist recommended a “digital detox” and I did way better than I thought I would. I only checked Twitter three hundred and twenty seven times today instead of eleventy billion.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
Mom: I heard Facebook is now called Metal.
Me: It’s Meta but, no, they-
Mom: My phone app still says Facebook.
Me: They didn’t-
Mom: Do I need a Metalbook app now.
Me: No, it’s META and you don-
Mom: I can’t find Metalbook on the app store.
Me [shaking fist at sky]: ZUCKERBERGGGG
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…