I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over
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Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
BREAKING: Hobbit director Peter Jackson’s next huge undertaking to be 3-part movie series of The Cheesecake Factory menu.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
So your kid can speak 3 languages?
That’s great. Mine can speak lizard.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
It is not stealing if you walk into a place and do not know where you are or what is happening and just take whatever food you can carry because it is the only thing that makes sense in that moment.
I am a bear.
High school teachers: You are to write about the use of the color yellow in The Great Gatsby. If it’s less than 10 pages I will CALL THE COPS.
College profs: Write about an entire religion. I don’t even care which one but if you make me read more than 3 pages I will end my shit.
Napkins used after eating hot wings and then put in your pocket should NEVER be used as toilet paper no matter how much you’ve had to drink.
Brought twins to a corn maze & put them at 2 different points so people thought they kept passing the same row. The tricycles really sold it
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
Think I pulled my liver
I got my patience from waiting half the day to download a song from Limewire
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Ways that I am superior to dolphins:
– Am not afraid of being on dry land
– If you ask me to open an envelope, I do it quickly and it doesn’t get wet
– Faster at replying to emails
– Know more about the causes of World War 1
– Very rare for me to be swept up in a fishing net
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
Dance like no one’s a werewolf. Eat like you found it in the couch. Shout like your cat’s sleeping. Feel good like a bossy poem told you to.
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Marry someone who loves Hawaiian pizza so you can just get your own good tasting pizza all to yourself.
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I don’t need anything that a fettuccine Alfredo coma can’t cure.
If my dude is messaging you.. he’s your dude..
Keep. Him. 😂
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
[Date]
Her: you’re a twin too?! what does your brother do?
Me: *trying to hide that I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs* not much
Her: …
Me: you see I keep him in a medically-induced coma in case I need his organs
A Serial Killer Known For Ripping Out Tounges Entered The Buzzfeed Office And What He Did Next Left Us Speechless
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
i had such a profoundly vivid dream of my neighbour drowning in the creek soon that i wanted to warn him but didn’t want to look crazy so i disguised my handwriting by using a twig from an ash tree dipped in blood and slipped under his front door a note that says BEWARE THE WATER