I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

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♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫


My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.


ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic


If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.


Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.


Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood


People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”


[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no


Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight