@goodhairperson

I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.

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@CornOnTheGoblin

♫ she’s just a small time girl
workin at Jurassic Woooorld
opened a raptor cage
now they’re everywhere ♫

@DurtMcHurtt

My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.

@dksc4life

ROBIN: do you go to church
CATWOMAN: yeah i’m catholic
ROBIN: what’s a holic

@SteveSuckington

If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.

@HatfieldAnne

Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.

@causticbob

Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood

@3sunzzz

People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”

@PaperWash

[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today

“is everything alright?”

[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no

@BerrymoreBlue

Coffee in the morning
More coffee at night
Coffee in the afternoon
Unless you wanna fight