I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
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I don’t eat like a bird; I eat like a squirrel. I get super hungry and dig in my desk for nuts at 4 pm and shove them all in my mouth at once
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Keen silence from a dinner guest as she looks across the living room and realizes I made her bridesmaid dress into a dog bed.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
(way too loud, trying not to get murdered) Wow, the Boeing corporation’s manufacturing quality is top notch, outclassed only by their generous workplace policies
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
“Mommy! That sign says 35mph and you are going 42.”
“Thank you honey, this is a great learning opportunity for me
TO TEACH YOU NOT TO BE A NARC!”
Me: *looks back at two sets of foot prints in the sand* Why didn’t you carry me back there?
Jesus: You were stress eating during those times and got kind of umm… *holding arms out* you know… *puffs out cheeks*
Just a friendly reminder!
My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.
The 11th commandment was, “Talk shit, get hit” but God totally didn’t have enough room on those stone things, so, like, yeah.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
Had a dream Andrew Garfield & I were being chased & he started rubbing sand on my arm & I was like, “why?” And he was all, “it’ll help mate” but he was only rubbing one arm & then I woke up to my cat aggressively licking that arm cause he was hungry
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
I completed a wash cycle but forgot to put the laundry in. Follow me for more tips on how to fight climate change.
He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
Ruin someone’s day by asking to see their tattoo then saying “is it supposed to be crooked?”
Me: I’m pretty brave.
Wife: You shrieked in terror at a potato.
Me: It had stuff growing out of it. I could’ve died.
Naked and Afraid,
but it’s just me staring down a spider in the shower.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
1900: Let’s filter coffee.
1950: We need to filter cigarettes.
1970: We should really filter water.
2015: I want to filter my face.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
Me when my alarm goes off