A long holiday weekend is great until you realize the kids have a long holiday weekend, too.
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Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
toilet is the exact right word for that thing bro all i do on there is toil
I asked my cat if I’m passive aggressive and she ignored me.
I hope I don’t forget to feed her tonight.
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
Whoever says Paper beats Rock is an idiot. Next time I see someone say that I will throw a rock at them while they hold up a sheet of paper
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
imagine going to a job interview then they pull out a hotdog, dip it in ketchup, and begin taking notes
The lady cutting my hair asked me to lift my head like I was taking a selfie. I don’t know what’s worse, her request or me knowing exactly what to do.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He hired a clown for my nana’s funeral”
PEOPLE NEEDED CHEERING UP, KAREN
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
things to call your girlfriend:
sugar
honey
flour
egg
salt
butter
stir thoroughly
pour into pan
preheat oven to 350
bake for 15min
enjoy
HER: i’m leaving u
ME: is it bc i never listen to u
HER: yes
ME: k see u tonight
Sticks and stones may break my bones
but words can SUMMON DEMONS
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
HER: *picking dandelion* blow this and make a wish
ME: *fully inserting into mouth* how do I know when it’s done *spitting out seeds* oh it’s done
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Taking my dog out in below zero weather brings one thought to mind. I should have gotten a cat.
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
6YO: My tummy hurts
Me: Must be the bag of cookies you ate
6YO: It’s the other one, not my cookie tummy
Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
GROCER: slide your card
ME: it didn’t work
GROCER: does it have a chip?
ME: *puts hand over pringle in my pocket I was saving for later* no
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.