Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
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If he was arranged diagonally would you call him Slanta?
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
Mistakes movie theater popcorn butter for hand sanitizer
Hilarity ensues
[at funeral]
FRIEND: I’m sorry for your loss
ME: Thanks, I would have won our fantasy league if my QB didn’t get injured
FRIEND: I meant for your wife
ME: It’s ok, now she’ll never know I lost
I’m not arguing with anyone who has their own picture as their lock screen. I stepped out of line and I apologize.
Me: *on the toilet*
2yo: *banging on door* Daddy!! Daddy!!! DADDY!!!!
Me: I’m downstairs!
2yo: Oh… *runs off*
Me: Why have I not tried that before?
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
If you’re responsible for the fruit tray, then your family has zero faith in your culinary skills
The Queen is so afraid of how the vote will turn out, she put Sam Smith in a boat circling Scotland singing “Stay With Me” into a megaphone.
Google maps: in 2,000 feet, turn left
Me: I have no idea how far that is
Google: in 8 furlongs…
Me: no
Google: in 1.6 billion picometers…
Me: ugh
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
If you’re into audio you’re an Audiophile.
If you love French culture you’re a Francophile.
This is why I can’t get involved with PETA.
Wonder how long it’ll take for my pregnant friend to realize that the list of baby name ideas I’m giving her are all just types of lettuce?
[starbucks]
me: can i take some wifi home with me?
barista: um. sure(?)
me: [holds tupperware container in the air & closes lid] thanks.
I think parents should choose unisex names for their babies like Parsnip or Brisket.
My life these days is basically the “before” segment of an infomercial for a revolutionary new mop.
2016: omg, wtf is happening?
2017: is this a bad dream?
2018: no seriously, WTF?!
2019: things couldn’t get worse
2020: AN ASTEROID WOULD BE NICE
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”