Of course everyone says that their kid is SO smart. No decent parent would ever say, “This is my boy Jack, he’s as dumb as a bag of hair.”
You Might Also Like
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.
Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
6500 languages in the world and you decide you want to talk shit.
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
I doubt anyone’s actually “dying” from seeing a cute baby picture on FB, but we can always dream.
We’re all different. For example, some folks get up early to exercise… And others get up early to eat cookies before the kids wake up.
I hate being an adult … I thought it was just a phase.
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
“An apple a day takes Billion Dollars away” ~ Samsung
me: we need to go to the ATM machine
thomas: lol ATM machine. isnt that a bit redundant you idiot
me (thinking about my Automatic Thomas Murdering machine): this is why we need to go to the ATM machine
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
Website: We use cookies to improve performance.
Me: Same.
There is no “I” in the word “team,” but I don’t think that means anything about team work. That’s just how it’s spelled.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
My brain: Don’t worry. I’ll remember.
[1 MINUTE LATER]
My brain: So you’re not going to believe this…
People that still call into radio stations are probably doing it from house phones.
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
[at the gym]
ME: Hey, can you spot me?
GUY: Sure, which machine?
ME: *gestures to vending machine* Right over there
I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
8 y/o: [rinsing butter off a knife] Whenever I do this I feel like I’m a blacksmith again.
I’m sorry what now?!