Every time my daughter drinks juice she says “cheers” so…. no, not looking forward to parent teacher conferences.
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Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
62% of marriage conversation is just
spouses stating “I never said that.”
One of the best
I joined a poker tournament with a bunch of people who do origami. I’m gonna dominate, cause these guys always fold.
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
When I was a young man, I dated a very sweet girl for several months. My parents treated this girl like she was their own daughter.
My mother even tried to find her a proper boyfriend
me: what’s your biggest turnoff
her: noisy people
me: [sliding finger off air horn trigger] same
How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Me: I can’t afford to get my hair coloured at the salon this month. I’ll just do it myself at home.
Me: *half an hour later*
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
me: so what’s the policy on backpack snacks
skydiving instructor: absolutely not
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
[buying shoes for our kids]
her: which do you like better
me: idk probably our daughter
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
Nice car! I’ll bet it goes fast!Aww — and you’re getting the door for me. What a gentleman! Sit in the back? Wow! My own chauffeur. I feel like a queen! Handcuffs? I’m not opposed — but seems a bit presumptuous for a first date.
Last time I’m saying it lady, you’re under arrest.
Any ghost sophisticated enough to haunt a hotel is going to find the 13th floor whether you have an elevator button for it or not.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
The girl across from me is on the phone to her boyfriend. I regret nodding when she told him she looked terrible.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
Being a diabetic has proved to be difficult. For example, I can’t have a sugar daddy.
My girlfriend went to the dentist for a cavity. It’s odd since she spends so much time in the bathroom with her electric toothbrush.
Overheard 10 plan her b-day party with her BFF, including renting several hotel rooms for a mega sleepover.
Somebody tell her, I can’t.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
Hear me out, what if Santa actually exist but we’re just all on the naughty list?