The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
SHARK WEEK: JAWS
shark weak: dentures
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
cop: *knocks on my car window*
me: sorry is the music too loud
cop: yes
me: *sets down bagpipes*
My son was brushing the crumbs off the front of his pants into the trash can at a restaurant and the waitress, thinking he was peeing, told him he needed to go do that in the bathroom.
Look lady, my kid only pees outside, not in the trash like the good lord intended.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
he was a truck, she was a robot, can i make it anymore optimus
[Trying to find space in a parking lot]
Astronaut: We are severely off course
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
Can’t. I’m busy taking this buzzfeed quiz to find out what kind of potato I am.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
check in with your friends but also don’t forget to check in on your enemies. make sure they’re doing bad
Okay
her: cute dog, what’s his name?
me: this is indiana jones
her: oh cool from raiders of the lost ark!
me: no [picking up poop] he’s not been in any movies
First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
christening a ship with an overripe banana
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
I miss Taco Bell so much that tonight I drank a bottle of gorilla laxative.
you can hear the blood in your veins if you listen varicosely
My son’s friend at daycare just shared that he prefers food you eat with a fork because “it’s the only time you get to stab things.” Don’t expect a sleepover invitation any time soon, James.
6-year-old: I have a spelling test tomorrow.
Me: What do you have to spell?
6: Words, probably.
I’m really good at compromising as long as I get my way.
Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.