First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
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NASA just received data from 47-year old Voyager 1, which is 15 billion miles from earth. My daughter, who is 34 and lives six miles from me, still hasn’t returned my text.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
I’m no expert guys but with the amount I trip and fall off things… trust me i’d know if the Earth was flat
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
(t.v.)“If you come face to face with a bear in the wild, you want to make yourself look as big as possible…”
me(eating a 1/2 gallon of ice cream): ok
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
I hope google does well on my son’s test
I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
Remember when your mom would just drop you off at the mall and have no way to get in touch with you? I don’t even trust my kids to go upstairs alone.
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
Soldier: WE NEED MORE AMMO QUICK!
Me: [sweating bullets] um will these work
Soldier: [amazed] you son of a gun
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Pho tastes great for a food that sounds like it just gave up.
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
Match dot com, but for socks.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
A grilled cheese sandwich has never sent mixed signals, just saying