Can’t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
You Might Also Like
What I imagine when an American describes their healthcare system to me:
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
How much for the angry lawn gnome?
That’s my toddler.
Lobsters: grabby hands
Mobsters: stabby hands
I see you like sex.
*apparently not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.
[ER visits, by age]
Doctor: How did this happen?
Me at 24: I was trying to dunk a basketball.
Me now: I was reaching for my glasses.
Me: Looks like someone got toad again, LOL
Snake: *bites me*
With grape soda comes grape responsibility.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
SICK’EM SPIKE!!!
[the burglar and I stare as my pet turtle walks very slowly across the room]
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
Co-Worker: You say apparently a lot.
Me: Yes, I know.
CW: It really bothers me.
M: Apparently so.
CW: You don’t care.
M: Apparently not.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
I’m the type of husband that helps his wife look for her missing chocolate
that I ate.
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
Ben Carson is my favorite candidate whose name sounds like a Transformer explaining to his kid why he hasn’t seen him much lately
I use algebra every day for work. I was promised in high school that this would never happen.
The audacity of my parents’ oldies station now playing 80s music.
Superman: I hate your Bat Cave! I can’t get cell service
Batman: Your carrier sucks
Superman: Oh yeah, who do you use?
Batman: Bat Mobile
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
Watching two cars with reindeer hood antlers rutting for a parking spot and I’ve never felt more David Attenborough.
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Me: I’ve been tired for 10 years.
Kid: Hey, that’s how old I am!
Me: Weird…
Watching your childhood favorites as an adult really makes you wonder, “What the hell were my parents thinking?”
[sees my dentist in the store]
*really loud fake phone call voice*
me: ya I’m just picking up some floss cause I ran out probably because I floss every day idk