Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
You Might Also Like
“No woman, no cry.” – Tarzan breaking up with girlfriend.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
My cat WHO EATS STINK BUGS OFF THE WINDOW SILL refuses the $8.99/lb deli turkey I bought especially for her sensitive mouth.
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
People always act really shocked when I tell them that I don’t like chocolate. Even moreso when I say I don’t like dogs. But I don’t know man, I just don’t think either tastes very good.
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Unfortunately Katy Perry, I couldn’t fit in the skin tight jeans so instead of a teenage dream my husband gets Blair Witch.
I was binging Friends with my 14yo and there was a cliffhanger episode and I mentioned that we used to have to wait a week to find out what happened and she looked at me like I just told her we had no running water.
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
“Dammit. I had shit planned today.”
— a spider being carried out of the house with a cup and piece of paper
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
WIFE: Ok *deep sigh* why are you in the bathtub w/ a horse?
ME: [soaping behind Mr Butters’ ears] It’s called a stable relationship, Thelma
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
*travels back in time just to slap some guy across the cheek with a glove and call him a scoundrel*
I post ONE gym selfie and everyone’s like “What’s he doing?” and “Where are the weights?” and “Is that a dozen donuts?”
Me: did you know cows have best friends?
Wife: really?
Me: yep!
Wife: how do you know that?
[Myrtle peeking around the corner into the living room].
Me: I’m glad you asked : )
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
me: I bet other husbands don’t get put in timeout!
wife: I bet they don’t put their mother-in-law’s phone number on a Craigslist ad either!
Me: *closes Bible, takes long, hard look at neighbor’s ox*
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
My husband just informed me that he’s been driving around for the past two years with a katana and a couple of sai in his trunk. He was like “I’m sure I told you about them” and I was like you absolutely did not tell me about the mortal kombat weapons in your car
My dentist not only specializes in treating cavities, but he also sells gasoline for your car. Basically he runs two filling stations.
[working at the DMV]
Me *covering phone mouthpiece*: a Mr. Godzilla wants to know if he can upload his photo or does he have to come here?
Boss: *sweating profusely*
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
[after divorce]
I think I still know…
*puts on shark tooth necklace*
…what women want.