Kids: What’s for supper?
Me: Well, I didn’t have the ingredients to make a traditional Irish boiled dinner, so I’m just using what we’ve got.
[5 mins later]
Wife: WHY ARE THERE 6 HOT POCKETS BOILING ON THE STOVE
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My 3YO refuses to put on her socks because she thinks the triceratops on them will bite her, which is really dumb because it’s not a meat-eater.
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
JUDITH! FETCH MY EVIL PLAN GLASSES!
*2 hours later has organised a small festival*
Dammit Judith, these are my party planning glasses!
Marriages are like pancakes. Sometimes you gotta throw the first one out
Me: I’m gonna search the periodic table for relief from my cramps haha get it?
Him: Actually there are elements that can help. Magnesium for example is calming and-
Me: What’s the symbol for arsenic?
Me: Ew, what sort of shop is this? It just sells dead birds?
My cat: Pick out whatever you want, birthday boy. It’s on me.
[ day 2 of self quarantine ]
me: i’m bored
my cat: have you tried dropping something into a shoe
[eraser factory]
BOSS: what makes u think ur right for the job?
ME: *hands him blank piece of paper* I think my resumé speaks for itself
Don’t trust anyone who wants to “get you out of your comfort zone.” Why would you ever want to leave something called a comfort zone?!
Instead of saying you lost your eyesight due to an explosion while you were making meth, just tell people that you were blinded by science.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but women don’t really wear flowery see-through dresses to ride horses in real life.
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.
I have a black belt in leather
I bet she has a tough time finding a coffee mug with her name on it.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
Me: This escape room is really hard.
Guard: I said lights out!
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
First time flying huh?
-Yeah how could you tell?
Just a hunch. You wanna come down to your seat? The overhead bin is typically for luggage.
ME: maybe it would spice things up if you surprised me with sex once in awhile
CELLMATE: no
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
For fifty bucks this Yellowstone park ranger said he can get me into his top secret bear hugging seminar
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
I’m a 67-year-old obese male with moderate COPD and I’m pretty sure the coronaviruses are passing around pictures of me.
My wife’s favorite position is the one where I lie very still wearing nothing but a toe tag and she starts dating again.
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up