Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
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It’s wildly known that all the great artists of the renaissance era loved eating pizza in sewers.
Body: time to sleep.
Brain: hey that’s an interesting thought, here’s six billion more.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
I can be very helpful at the store, a lady had the fixings for pasta in her cart so I threw in some garlic bread because I knew she’d forgotten, I mean what psycho doesn’t eat garlic bread with pasta.
girls post instagrams of their boyfriends like theyre toddlers. aww look, he tried a new food! so handsome in his big boy outfit at the wedding! we got sooooo tired on a trip, but he didnt cry once!
“The guy is pure evil!”
“He’s complex”
“Religious icons and Bibles catch on fire when he walks by!”
“He’s deep!”
“Priests and Pastors drop dead when they look at him!”
“He’s troubled! Stop being negative!”
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
The fridge beeped at my 5yo because he left the door open too long deciding what to eat, and he yelled back IT’S AN EMERGENCY OK
I just woke up from a dream where a very attractive man with an adorable dog invited me to get ice cream… and I told him, “sorry, I don’t have any condoms,” then walked away. Dream me is as awkward as real me.
doctor: what seems to be the problem?
t-rex: I cant feel my legs
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
Women that date guys with bad grammar are the goodest.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Gym employee: Sorry ma’am, but to cancel your membership you have to come in & fill out paperwork.
Me:*sigh* FINE. Where are you located?
I bet Adam and Eve loved being the first people cuz they didn’t have to worry about ghosts
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
I’ve found the perfect way to keep my plants healthy. I leave them at the garden center as nature intended.
Before you buy anything online ask yourself “Am I prepared to see a sales ad for that same item on every social media site I visit until the day I die?”
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
“Did you get a haircut?”
“No, I dyed the tips of my hair invisible…”
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
congratulations to them
[quietly tries to open a can of beer]
driving instructor: what was that