I am Australian, hear me pronounce aluminum the correct way
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I wonder if the guy who coined the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
Imagine being reincarnated as grass?
Smothered by snow. That melts and then you get trampled by kids at play, shit on by dogs, scorched by sun, flooded by rain, then once a week have your head chopped off.
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
No one girl should have all that power. 😂
[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
Teenagers are most fun when they’re asked to clean up the mess they’ve made themselves.
[bakery]
Robber: Give me all of your bread
Baker: *starts emptying the register*
Robber: Oh yeah, good idea, give me all your money too
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
Attention: All employees will be required to bring their own toilet paper until further notice.
-Management
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
Please bear with my nonsense…
…I’ve been in a very dork place lately.
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
[first day as a cop]
me: i found the body
other officer: any id?
me: *pulls out badge* yeah, it’s me, your partner
Fun Fact:
A burrito will never sleep with your best friend behind your back.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
I should really stop writing “lol” after “exercise” on my to do lists.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
“Can you veegle your toes for me? Veegle your toes.” – Dracula, ER doctor
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
this cop wants me to walk the line, does he mean the wavy one or the blurry one
Indiana Jones: [screaming as his hand is crushed under a door] ARRGGHHH! WHY? WHY DID I REACH FOR MY HAT? I OWN SO MANY HATS!!
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings