[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudgesMe: And how is my eraser?
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I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
My crazy neighbor claims she was robbed last night. I know she is crazy because I found all her medication as I was breaking into her house.
You’re old you get aroused by commercials about non-slip winter footwear
[first date]
Date: well I had a great time tonight.
Me: me too.
Date: give me a ring sometime.
Me: [pulls out engagement ring I brought just in case we clicked] this was my grandmothers-
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
[at the park]
SON: dad dad what’s that in the sky?! (points at helicopter)ME: (forgetting the word helicopter) that son is……a blenderplane
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
Left my fiancé at the altar. The relationship is over, but the human sacrifice went perfectly
I was out with my bf and a waiter called me a ‘cradle robber’ cuz he’s 18 and I’m 43.
Totally ruined our 10th anniversary.
My husband asked me to do something creative in the bedroom, so I positioned my three dogs in the shape of a heart and went to sleep.
I’m 32 and my mom took me clothes shopping or as she likes to call it a “please go back to school sale”
Me: Go clean your room.
10: No, thanks. It’s not Mother’s Day yet.
“You’re bleeding because you don’t floss”
Me: No, I’m bleeding because I ate the entire bowl of deceivingly fake fruit in your waiting room.
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
HER: I know making friends as an adult is hard, just try asking questions.
{Later at a bar}
ME (who has not tried to make friends since 3rd grade): What’s your favorite dinosaur mine’s triceratops.
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
Three tips to stay young looking: drink water, wear sunscreen every day, remember every personal slight
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
i want a small, tasteful wedding. no family. no friends. no groom. just me eating a big cake
*contemplates closet full of sweater vests* Okay, so I misjudged what to panic buy.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho