@ArfMeasures

[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

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@Coolisiana

I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on

@filthspiration

Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime

@CafeinatedBacon

My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother

@holycrapitsakat

No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.

@stevevsninjas

Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.

@Madrass_badsass

I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.

@HiddenPinky

“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers

@Maxine12333

The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.