[Runs into old school friend]
Him: hey you’re that guy who held weird grudges

Me: And how is my eraser?

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I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on


Anyone who has to spend more than 2 mins at an ATM is obvilously sending a text to Optimus Prime


My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother


No thanks “protected account”. You can’t trick me into following you!

For all I know, you could be a vegan.


Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?

Like they do now… Holy shit.


I don’t friendzone people. I relationshipzone them. Want to be friends? Too bad we are dating.


“Nice one.”
– me to my son, who is just learning to write numbers


The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.