I just ate a donut before dinner & told my kids I can cuz I’m an adult so they will see growing up is awesome & eventually leave home.
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Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Buy all the cute stuffed animals you want but your toddler is going to sleep with a spatula instead
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
Back in the day, with $2 bucks you could go to the store and walk out with a bunch of Doritos, and beer. Now they have security cameras.
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
My toddler is screaming because I won’t give him an apple off of the counter, but what he refuses to acknowledge is that is not an apple.
It’s an onion.
My toddler is crying because I won’t let him eat an onion.
– playing “Is it cake? –
Me, chewing plastic: “It’s pretty good, but I wish it was more moist.”
I’m a lady and a single parent. If I ever make a joke about having a big load, I guarantee it’s about laundry.
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
It’s happened
I used painters tape to section the family room so each kid stays in their play square…anyone who moves into someone else’s square gets sent to their room
Because apparently using the tape ON the kids is frowned upon 🤷🏻♀️
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
Son: Mom, why are you always showing up at my school on chicken nugget day?
Me: *literally salivating* Here to see you, buddy.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
If your bar serves those giant beers in a cowboy boot, I’m leaving. I hate gimmicks. I mean, I’ll drink the beer first, but then I’m out. Damn hipsters.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
Do all gothic horror stories have to be in ancestral family homes? I am too poor for generational hauntings.
The fact that twitter is at it’s busiest during working hours probably tells you all you need to know about the worlds economic problems
– Do you have photos of your girlfriend naked?
-No.
– Do you want some?
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense