Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
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No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
People who are bad at hiding, I see you
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Saw a man at the beach screaming, “SAVE ME..I’m drowning”.
I instantly uploaded
his pic, captioned “1 like = 100 prayers” on facebook..!!
[fluffing Pillow]
Me: so what made you pick Pillow as a stage name?
My grandmother’s name is so Italian you need both hands to pronounce it.
You have your whole life ahead of you. They threatened
Check out this apple pie I made. Worked out real well.
I love April Fools’ Day. It’s the only day of the year when people are skeptical of things they read on the internet.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
My dog crosses her paws regally while lying on the floor, like she didn’t just eat the contents of the bathroom trash can.
If you’re dating someone named Merle you’re required to call them your Merlefriend.
*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
I’m just a short girl, sitting in a car, being strangled by my seat belt.
friend: hey are you up for a blind date tomorrow night?
me: sure
friend: does 8 sound good?
me: nah that’s out of my league, better find me a 4
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
You threw. Our tea. In the harbour. And then you changed the spelling of harbour. We do not. Forget.
GOD: [as a kid] DINOSAURS!
GOD: [as a teenager] You will know the profound sadness of existence, humans.
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
Update on Dad Watching Discovery Channel: he just muttered “you son of a bitch” to a Hippo who chased off the lesser-dominate Hippo he liked
[4 y/o sticking charger into goldfish]
Me: WTF ARE YOU DOING
4 y/o: he died dad
Me: …
4 y/o: …
Me: well hurry up my phone is at 9%
My wife and I met at a ‘Make a Jelly in the Shape of a US President’ class, and I knew she was the one, from the moment I set Eisenhower.
#GettingOldMeans if I drop a pen on the ground it stays on the ground. Bending down is a young man’s game.
If we’re on a road trip and you don’t point out a cow when we see one you will have to get out and walk. Those are the rules. No exceptions.
Home Depot specializes in how can we confuse and overwhelm someone who just needs a lightbulb.
[Scooby & the gang catch a regular guy]
“Let’s see who this ghost really is!”
No! Wait, I’m not-
[rip off face]
*gasps* “OLD MAN SKELETON?”
(Me, on my way in an Uber to a sexy party)
Uber Driver: Going to a party?
Me: Yes actually
Uber Driver: A family party?
Me: God I hope not