*spider-man pacing the ceiling while Mary Jane is in the bathroom taking a pregnancy test*
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Banana is the quietest snack
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
So important your wife knows you’re petting the dog when she hears you say “you’re getting a little chunky”
[having house guests]
Me: omg I need to CLEANNN
[30 minutes later]
Me: you know what if they don’t accept my house then they don’t accept ME
*frowns in Scottish*
[inventing oatmeal]
make sure it never comes out of the bowl once it dries
Dentist: ok open up
“Well I guess it all started when my dad left…”
Dentist: no I mean-
Assistant: wait bill…let him finish
6: Dad, why do you have so many nicknames for me?
*I break down, no longer able to cover up that I can’t remember my son’s name
Think I pulled my liver
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
Maybe my threats will be more effective if, after I mentioned all the people I’ve killed, I don’t say, “in RuneScape.”
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
“Do you expect me to talk?” He asks.
“No, Mr Bond.” I reply, loading Titanic into the Blu Ray player, “I expect you to cry.”
I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
Her: Does your dog do any tricks?
Me: I taught him to lie on the bed
Her: That’s not impressive lol
Dog: *gets on bed* I wrote Harry Potter
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.
We thought our son was excited for us to attend Back-to-School night so we could meet his teacher…Turns out, his actual excitement was bc he couldn’t wait to show us the bathroom stall he had carefully chosen…“to do all the pooping in.”
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
You’re all arguing about what color the dress is… While I’m having sex with the girl who took it off.
[ark]
SHEM:It’s full
NOAH:Full?
SHEM:Ya the whales took up alot of space
NOAH:The w- {pinching bridge of nose} Go clean the elephant pen
If you know what “A/S/L?” means, I hope your back is okay. 😭
I’ve been a vegetarian for 13 years but if I ever got the chance I would absolutely 100% bite the head off the Geico gecko
Never marry a girl whose mother’s name is Hope…. because ‘Hope’ never dies.
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
The huge spider I bravely killed for my wife turned out to be a piece of thread. I’m not telling her.
Just got a “Great news!” text from Walmart and while I’m glad my package is out for delivery it’s not toilet paper and this isn’t 2020.
One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”