Banana is the quietest snack
You Might Also Like
You Can Either Verify Whether This Inspirational Story Is True Or Share It Now And Reap The Precious Social Capital
The automatic toilet flushed while I was still peeing.
Apparently my superpower is being invisible.
I showed my kids how to use encyclopedias. I stacked four of them to reach something on the top shelf.
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
If you don’t cut the cake in pieces and just eat the whole thing, then you only had one piece, right???
ME: can you believe they are banning plastic straws and you have to bring your own
FRIEND: that sucks
ME: yes one that sucks, that’s how straws work
[reading humpty dumpty]
with a straight face they really decided to drag the king’s horses like that
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
One of my personalities goes to the grocery store and buys healthy food…
Now, I can’t find anything to eat in the fridge.
When you search “Amazon Music”, Google offers a helpful link to the Login page, where you can’t log in but you can check out some tunes by an Artist named Login.
You love to see it, two of the most valuable companies in the world just pranking the shit out of themselves
Chipotle Employee Just Gave Guy In Front Of You More Rice
Picture the perfect woman.
Wrong.
You’re a guy. You’re always wrong.
[F*R*I*E*N*D*S]
ROSS {barging into Monica’s apartment}: OMG Rachel and I were walking along the San Andreas Fault and it opened up and swallowed her!!
MONICA: How could you let that happen, Ross?!
ROSS: WE WERE ON A BREAK
*Approaches a guy reading “Catch Me If You Can”*
I love that book. The way he just *clenches fist* catches all those freakin’ cans.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
Dog: Time to take me out
Me: Ok
[5 minutes later]
Me: [calling dog to the front door]
Dog: [asleep on my side of the bed]
Got a little bit lost in the woods. I’m putting everything into the clothes hamper in case of tics.
Heck, I’m going into the hamper too.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
Husband: You want to have sex?
Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.
Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.
Me:
[sees co-worker the next day after failing to kill him on purge night] mondays am i right?
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Tried arguing on the internet today.
Wouldn’t recommend it.
0 out of 5 stars.
I’m afraid my Roomba is going to kill me in my sleep, and then clean up all of the evidence.
Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!