I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
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I know a guy who doesn’t love Raymond.
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
Hipsters is what happens when you tell every child they’re special.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
My kitchen overserved me.
if I can survive this, I can survive anything
Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
Me: This lingerie you bought me is super uncomfortable
BF: That’s a mosquito net I got for our camping trip
My idiot future husband is out there somewhere pushing a pull door. I just know it.
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
*army rises out of ball pit*
dark lord: whose bright idea was it to put the portal here?
[they point to bob]
dark lord: you the man, bob
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
“I want that fable on my desk, AESOP!”
This day in history. 2004. Ken announced that he had broken things off with Barbie but not to avoid another outrageously extravagant Valentine’s Day no not at all.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
It’s 4:20 do you know what that means?!?
It means only 40 minutes left to get 8 hours of work done.
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
Sometimes I order Domino’s but give them Pizza Hut’s address. And when they show up and start fighting, just wait with my mouth open.
The entire premise of Scooby Doo was if you’re scary enough people will leave you the hell alone to pursue your passion. It’s been a guiding principle of my adult life.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
Someone call or text my husband and tell him that dinner at Applebee’s is not a “night out on the town.”
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
ME: [in santa costume, covered in chimney soot] that was hard. how does santa do it
WIFE: well santas not real, hun
ME: [drops cookie] WHAT