I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.
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I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
COWORKER: Wanna come to my NYE party?!
ME: Aww… I would, but I already have plans.
MORGAN FREEMAN: He did not have plans.
Doc: How’d you get these scars all over your legs?
Me: Dorito crumbs in the bed.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
If you can’t beat them, try again when they’re sleeping.
Did you know Yoda has a last name?
It’s Layheehoo…
There comes a point in every day that we all have to do something we don’t like.
[Gets out of bed]
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
GF told me she wanted to write her “biography” & I said “autobiography” & now there’s a chapter where I sleep at my place.
A restaurant called Grandma’s House where the wait staff greets you by saying you hardly call anymore and no matter how full you are they always make you eat more than you want
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.
When I asked for some alone time, I didn’t mean when I was bringing in the groceries.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
October’s cool because you can buy 60 Snickers, 48 beers, a hockey mask, chainsaw, 30 leaf bags and the cashier won’t even acknowledge it.
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
Be right back guys, I just fried up some bacon and have to clean up the mess.
[8 months later]
Ok, I’m back.
I just saw a man delivering pizza in a Hummer…
I wonder if he is reevaluating some of his life choices right now?
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
couldn’t resist
I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I took up MMA to see what I’m made of.
It’s blood…I’m made of blood.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
inside you there are two rabbits. now there are 3. 4… 5! Oh dear God..