I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
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Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
best buy employee: can i help you find anything
me: uh i’m good
best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin
me: how’d you get in my house colin
Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
Real life dad college courses
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Zipper theory of merging traffic
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.
It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.
yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…
If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days
[Looks under visor]
Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham
*boss stops meeting*
Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?
Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Always a metermaid never a meter
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?
Oh, I went there…;)
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
all I wanna do is
move to a safer neighborhood
if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker
Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!