Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Avocado is the roulette game of all the fruits.

I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.

best buy employee: can i help you find anything

me: uh i’m good

best buy employee: ok well if you have any questions i’m colin

me: how’d you get in my house colin

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.

Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics

My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.

I’m not saying I’ve let my house get filthy, but this is the second time I’ve caught my new Roomba trying to mail itself back to the factory

I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.

Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.

My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.

[On my death bed]

My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?

*Werewolf about to eat me*

Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.

She told me my analogies didn’t make any sense.

It seriously made me feel like a biscuit in an elevator.

yesterday at the farmers market when i was buying cucumbers, the old man selling them asked what i planned on doing with them & for a second I was like 👀 👀 👀 until he continued by asking if i was going to just eat them or pickle them because one kind is sweet and one kind is…

If you put a drier sheet in your car’s visor, your car will smell fresh for days

[Looks under visor]

Hey wait a minute this is a slice of ham

*boss stops meeting*

Mike, is there something you’ld like to share with the whole group?

Me: Nooooo, that’s why I whispered it to Alan.

“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo

Always a metermaid never a meter

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)

ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work

WIFE: Why

ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom

WIFE: so kill it

ME:[whispering] its got my gun

If a group of necrophiliacs ran into group of zombies…who would do the chasing?

Oh, I went there…;)

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood

if harambe happened today it would be like the 40th thing down in the news. it wouldn’t even make the ticker

Text your dad “egg salad sandwich” four times in one day. He’ll probably think his phone is broken.

If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.

“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”

Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.

You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!