I think Diane knows I was her Secret Santa at this morning’s office party, because this afternoon I had to borrow my stapler back from her.
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One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
How much rent do I pay once it’s divided equally? That is the per tenant question.
I’m stoned. Either the smoke alarm is beeping or the house is backing up.
If you need anything you can call me any time of the day or night. I won’t answer and my ringer will be off, so it won’t bother me at all.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
angel: whatcha making?
god: *plugging a snake into an electrical outlet* eel
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
Idea: “Celebrity Price Is Right” where Gwyneth Paltrow guesses that loaves of bread cost $460
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
A TV should have been called a watch and a watch should have been called a time machine. Fight me.
Follow me on instagram here!
It won’t all be gold – most of it is barely pewter
[first day on wind farm]
me: *placing bucket under turbine* what do I squeeze
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
I missed my calling in advertising.
“Chocolate diamonds, for when you want your expensive jewelry to look like actual shit.”
KIM KARDASHIAN: Elane you GOTA see the BABY
ELANE: I follow you on instagram. Im gona see it
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
CAT LAWYER: [pushes defense team off the table]
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
No I don’t want to watch the video on your phone. My phone doesn’t like me looking at other phones.
I was wondering why Hoobastank chose that band name so I investigated it some and the reason is you.
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.