You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
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My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
I’ll call it smartphone when it slaps me in the face before sending a text to an ex.
Nobody tell my Fitbit that today’s steps are coming from inside the casino.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
kayleigh i promise i won’t make fun of your name again pleighse give me another chance
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I know we are at war here, but, who didn’t pick up after their dog?
(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
No love I have for someone could ever be strong enough to make me think it was appropriate to stand side-by-side with them on an escalator
Have you ever had your kid get out of bed to knock on your door so many times that you found yourself shouting “WE’RE CLOSED! PLEASE COME BACK DURING REGULAR BUSINESS HOURS!”???
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re just going to take them to an IKEA instead.
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
“Are you submissive? 😏”
No, I’m off my meds with nothing left to lose
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
[During sex]
GF: I meant to ask before, but you took the test, right?
ME: Yes
GF: Oh thank God
ME: Apparently I’m most like Chandler
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*