I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
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Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
If my dad were still alive today I’m sure he’d be really pissed off over that whole cremation thing.
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
A kickboxing class where you hit the bag with a baseball bat because I may have mild to moderate anger issues.
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I don’t understand baby oil what are we greasin up all those babies for
Don’t ask me if I’m flirting with you I promise you I have literally no idea
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
Angry like someone who’s gone three straight spoonfuls of raisin bran without getting a raisin.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
In the 1800s women were sometimes forced to wear an “A” on their clothing, signifying that they were Alvin from the Chipmunks.
[if I was in horror movies, a thread]
jock: let’s split up
me: no
doctor: how’s the weight loss plan going?
me: i’m doing my best
doctor: are….you drinking a glass of ranch?
me: best doesn’t mean good
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
<thud>
*shoe lands on sidewalk
*picks up shoe
*sees it’s my size
*looks up
*sees man stuck in tree
*sits
*waits for the other shoe to drop
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
TwinzerMom: Where’d you go?
Me: For a quick walk. Just kinda the first step on my fitness journey.
TwinzerMom: Must have been a small step
Me: Why do you say that?
TwinzerMom: Well, for starters, there’s powdered sugar in your beard
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
Not sure what’s more creepy, sifting through the trash dressed like a clown at 3am…or my neighbor peeking out his window watching me.
Nearly all murders are committed by someone you know, so you are statistically far safer in life if you don’t have any friends.
Damn girl, are you my inevitable death? Because I hate that you exist, but somehow I always find myself lying awake at night thinking about you.
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed