Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
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Dual Citizenship: citizenship of two countries concurrently.
Duel Citizenship: a contest for citizenship between two people with deadly weapons.
“Is he going to be my new dad?” – My 20 y. o. son any time I speak to any man for any reason.
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
*me, as an uber driver*
oh dang, the gps is saying the fastest route is through this burger king drive through lane
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
[me complaining about how many apps on my phone are purple] like I really gotta look before I press it ya know
[guy 911 told me to keep talking to till the paramedics arrive] definitely annoying
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Shaved my legs today
RIP drain
How to get a job on Game of Thrones:
Q: Can you act?
A: Sorta
Q: Will you get naked?
A: Yes
HIRED!
*slowly slides PBJ under seat*
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
You can learn a lot about a guy when you go through the pockets of his pants that are at his ankles in the bathroom stall next to your’s.
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
I’m in a very dark place right now.
Suggestions on getting these motion sensing lights in the public bathroom to come back on…?
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
Her: Good morning!
Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
Whenever someone says, “Good question” I never hear their answer because I’m too busy congratulating myself for asking such a good question.
I am not gullible. I am just easily tricked- which someone told me is different.
You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
If someone tried to make me dig my own grave I would say no. They’re going to kill me anyway and I’d love to die the way I lived: avoiding manual labor.
Sorry I dressed up your babies for a cowboys and Indians reenactment.
It was super cute until the smallpox incident.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
[audition]
Casting Director: can you do accents?
Me: *cries Britishly*
CD: oh very nice, excellent- anything else?
Me: *cries in Japanese*
CD, overcome with emotion: breathtaking… truly