We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
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I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on the wall it was something helpful like YOUR KEYS ARE IN THE FRONT DOOR.
i’m reading this thesaurus. it’s really interesting, or should i say… very interesting.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
I want my morning coffee to give the same amount of energy that my kids get when they hear me say it’s bedtime.
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
[GOP Debate]
MODERATOR: this question is for Senator Cruz. How will you handle zodiackillersayswhat?
CRUZ: what?
MODERATOR: I knew it!
18-22 is a confusing age. I got friends getting married, some in prison, and some still have to ask their parents to stay out past curfew.
Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
[break-in]
BURGLAR: [cracks safe]
COP: Not so fast, kiddo
BURGLAR: [cracks safe more slowly]
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Husband: How much of the kids’ candy are you going to eat?
Me:
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
did you ever just eat something because your mouth was closer than the garbage?
Me: How are you doing? Is our date starting to feel a bit awkward?
Her: Yeah, a little…
Me: I was talking to my mom!
Mom: No, I’m fine.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
#RubbishJokes
Two horses in a field.One says: I’m so hungry I could eat a horse.
The other says: Moo!
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
[movie studio in the 2010s]
“This script stars The Rock as-”
Studio: WE’LL MAKE IT
Angel: What up?
God: Creating 3 y/o’s
Angel: Is it broken?It keeps repeating itself & has no volume control
God: ya it’s gunna be hilarious
“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
waiting for halloween be like:
Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
The beauty of a text message is that it transcends time. You respond at your leisure. Unless it’s from your wife, then you have 30 seconds.