I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
You Might Also Like
ME: Did you know an octopus has 3 hearts?
WIFE: Wow, that’s two more than most of your tweets get lmfao
saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Police chief: So what do we know about the serial killer?
Detective: He’s white
Other detective: A muscular build
Me: He kills people
millennials love books because we grew up watching Beauty and the Beast, in which a woman is willing to do anything to get her hands on a library—even marry a literal bull-moose-man.
I hope George Clooney dumps his wife so he and Brad Pitt can finally be happy together.
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Why didn’t any of Spider-man’s enemies attack him with an enormous broom.
*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*
Thank you for inviting me. Where are the unattended meat trays?
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
Quarantine status: I now leave an emergency bra near my keys in case I need to go anywhere.
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute
[Satan advising me on choosing the right career path] law school it is
God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
We should have known how people would handle the pandemic after watching them drive.
People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming