saw a couple walking into trader joe’s and the girl said “wow look at all the pretty flowers” and the guy replied “oh yeah it must be flower season” please pray for him
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My kids have absolutely forbidden me from getting on Twitter.
So here I am!
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
CDC: i know u been shut in all week-
ME: im good
CDC: if you have to
go out-ME: i wont
CDC: ok but if you really need-
ME: *puts headphones back in*
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Today my 3yo said that we should celebrate because today is my last birthday… WAIT YOU LITTLE NOSTRADAMUS SHIT WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
i lost so much hair in the shower i thought Chewbacca had joined me
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*
My 5-year-old, “can I say bad words in my brain.” I said yes. She’s just standing there with the biggest smile. Pretty sure she’s saying bad words.
The best part about getting older is now when my friends make me mad I just give their kids a gift that contains glitter.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
I think semi-colons have gotten a bad rap. They should be re-branded as super-commas.
I told the kids if they’re not good we’re flying United this summer.
You can’t stop your dogs from barking by yelling at them. They’re just like hell yes we’re all yelling now let’s all keep yelling this is great
Me: Do you think I’m fat?
Scale: Err
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“just get thru the 1st day without them finding out youre an elephant”
IT dude: “ok here’s your new mouse”
[just fkn destroys the place]
Me: Please. Just a little longer.
Dental Asst: Ma’am. It’s been 24 minutes since your x-ray. It’s not a real hug, and I need to use the apron on other patients now.
Now that I am a parent I am confident that the reason my parents had to “check my Halloween candy” was NOT because of razor blades and drugs.
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
Since finding a huge spider in my slipper I now keep em on a chair cuz my little brain decided spiders don’t like chairs.
6yr old: (screaming in terror) there’s a giant spider in the bathroom!!!!!!!!
Daddy: I’ll get it. (Runs in bathroom). Don’t worry, he’s dead now.
6yr old: YOU KILLED HIM???? (Falls to the floor, sobbing)