Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
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I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
My husband says I never do anything, so I just cleaned out our bank account.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
You can’t change a person unless they wear adult diapers
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
[Before date]
Friend: Just don’t talk about your pants again
Me: Relax, I know how to flirt[Later]
Me: so I just unzip here and boom! shorts
I would enjoy running errands much more if there were beds I could nap in strewn about
The way I see it, your dress automatically has two pockets as long as you’re wearing a bra.
Accidentally used my kids’ toothpaste this morning & now I can’t stop asking “why” every time my wife speaks to me
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
Hadn’t tried on a pair of jeans since April. They weren’t distressed before but five minutes of wearing them and they were firing flares off into the sky.
Me: I want to take you home and drink you up baby
Case of beer: I have a boyfriend
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
The invention of the shovel was groundbreaking
*makes a series of careless mistakes that are clearly my fault*
Mercury in retrograde again I see
Have you ever had a conversation with someone and realize half way through that you’re going to need crayons to explain it to them?
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap