I will never be the person this serving size suggestion wants me to be.
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what kind of monster rides a horse through a desert and doesn’t have the decency to give the horse a name
If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
AC just changed cole slaw to coke slaw so I’ll be busy looking for new recipes
or a new dealer. depends on the recipe I guess
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
ARTICLE: How, at the age of just 22 did this man…
ME: Is it rich parents?
ARTICLE: … Yeah.
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a dietician.
Me: Fascinating. There are so many ways to die, right?
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
My goal weight is:
2020 never happened.
When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
Dear Kids,
“16 & Pregnant” is a TV show, not a Challenge…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My mom bought me a bottle of whiskey as a Xmas gift…
She seemed a little upset that I said she should’ve mailed it ahead of her visit.
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
Old MacDonald had a walkie talkie, Echo India Echo India Oscar.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
My kids told me to stop using teen lingo because I’m “SO old”, so I’m going to show them just how old I am and start talking Valley Girl.