When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”
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Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Romeo: Juliet is the sun.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: *loudly from the balcony* NO SHE ISN’T
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me, thinking about what i’d do if 10 birds attacked me all at once: sorry i zoned out there for a second what’d u say
friend: i said TWENTY BIRDS ARE ON THEIR WAY TO ATTACK YOU
me: OH NO!
[writers’ room for Silent Night]
MIKE: ok so the next line is about describing baby jesus. how would we describe a baby?
JIM [known cannibal]: so tender and mild
MIKE:…….jesus christ jim
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
My wife and I have a rule whoever is driving controls the radio, unless I’m driving and then she controls the radio.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
My new favourite thing is Italian mayors and regional presidents LOSING IT at people violating quarantine. Here’s an eng subtitled compilation. “I hear you wanna throw graduation parties. I’m gonna send the police over. With flamethrowers.” #Covid19 #coronavirus
*trimming my nose hair in the mirror
You sexy beast.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Alcohol…Because sometimes the truth needs a laxative.
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
Me:*on phone* OMG thats hilarious! OK I gotta go, everyones staring. K bye. *hangs up* Im ready.
Priest: And do you take this man, in holy
You don’t really appreciate a Chinese Spy Balloon until it’s gone.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Seriously, if you hacked Trump’s account and wanted to make him look bad, WHAT THE HELL WOULD YOU EVEN TWEET.
My dog took his raw food upstairs and ate it in my bed. How’s your night going?
just once i’d like to lay in bed nude and drink a cup of tea without an art class trying to paint my portrait
My gf told me that I punched her in the face while I was sleeping last night. I apologized because I totally remember being awake for that.