When I hear “This call is being monitored for quality assurance” I think “Cool, let’s see how bad this person wants their job.”

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I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial


Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.


I call my wife the iNag because she has 32GB of complaints and they’re set on shuffle.


A 23 yr old girl just said I feel like I see people & I think they’re my age then I find out they’re OLD!! Like, THIRTY!!

So I killed her.


My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.


[first day working in mcdonald’s drive-thru]

customer: I’d like to pay for the guy behind me, too

me: he’s not on the menu


Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.