One pretty good way to pass the time is Thanksgiving is to wait until teenagers are sending a text message and then ask “OK, so is THAT Fortnite?” and also giving thanks for Fortnite during the prayer and also describing delicious side dishes as “Totally Fortnite”
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REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Husband: [wiping off dust] How long have these mixed nuts been in the pantry?
Me: Since I picked the last cashew out, I guess.
Me: Do you want to get dressed up for Thanksgiving dinner?
Husband: Sure! What should we wear?
Me: Shoes?
I want to name my daughter Katie but that spelling is too common so I’ll spell it Potassiumatie.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
This is the way the world ends.
Not with a bang but with a Zoom meeting that never ends due to technical issues.
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
it’s weird to me when people say their heroes are writers, actors or directors when there are people who say “well, goodnight” and go to bed in the middle of parties they’re hosting
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
JOHN DONNE: No man is an island.
GUY WHOSE JOB IS TO FIGURE OUT WHAT ISLANDS ARE: *Crosses out men* Okay. Strong start.
Clubbing in my 20s:
Spills beer *everywhere*
Clubbing in my 40s:
Everywhere is so sticky!?
Everybody: *Was Kung Fu fighting*
Everybody: *Hurts*
INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: no but i can explain this gap in my teeth. i can shoot water out of it. *takes a sip of his coffee* vanna thee?
So a baby crawls across the floor to it’s bottle and it’s cute but when I do it Im in need of an intervention?
[to the tune of little drummer boy]
baaaaby shaaark, doo
doo doo doo doo doo
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
…żyje?
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
Coming soon from the makers of Hamilton:
LINCOLN
Featuring the smash rap hit about the Civil War:
“This could be US, but you slavin’.”
James Bond: Do you expect me to talk?
Therapist: That is how these things usually work.
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
When the person representing himself in court tries to make the Judge in the case take the witness stand because “only God can judge,” that’s the moment all the hassle of law school is totally worth it.
“I’ll help you clean.” my toddler threatened