REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
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My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I like big MUTTS & I cannot lie
U other breeders can’t deny
When a dog walks in with a pretty mixed race & spots all on its face it gets PET
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Texans can’t comprehend vegans. We just think their barbeque grills are broken.
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
If you see me at the beach this weekend, that’s not me. Don’t follow me. That works here but is creepy in real life.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
[Mom group]
New mom: My six-month-old is teething.
My mom: My 30-year-old won’t move out.
My wife and I tried to play COD multiplayer yesterday. Shot her in the head while she was still trying to figure out the controls and now she made breakfast for only herself and the kids.
I’m getting $875,000 back on my tax return. I recommend everyone do their own like I do.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
Saw Les Misérables last night and today a coworker stole my sandwich. Suddenly 19 years in jail doesn’t seem excessive for stealing bread.
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Me: Today I will be patient, kind, and tolerant of things that I can’t control
Also me: Screams at toothpaste for not coming out of the tube faster
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.