me: it’s okay in my book
5: what book? can I see the book?
me: it’s hypothetical
5: what’s hypothetical mean?
me: well, um, hold on, there’s gotta be a book around here somewhere…
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The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
* Dalai Lama goes on killing spree after listening to my coworker eat soup *
Captain Hook hated Paper Scissors Rock since he could only play Question Mark, which had no value in the game.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
An airbag is just a pillow that punches you in the face
Gonna flirt with an electrician by calling them electrocute
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
Chefs seem obsessed with removing more and more of the original structure of foods:
Salmon mousse
Basil foam
Strawberry dust
Parmesan airWhere does it end?
Venison déjà vu
A memory of broccoli
A vicious rumour about carrots
There’s a subset of women with baskets of spray painted pinecones displayed in their home, and my mother is their king.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I’ve needed that in literally every job I’ve had
Never apologize in your voicemail for not answering the phone. You’re not sorry. Own that shit. “Hey, I don’t like you. Leave a message.”
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
I hope whoever came up with the spelling for Wednesday was pudnished for their actions.
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.
No expert, but pretty sure the chickens need a new toner cartridge now
I have many caverns
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
My go-to office prank is to sneak onto someone’s unattended Facebook page and post “I’m undecided, which should I get, iPhone or Android?”
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.