Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
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We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
if coconuts give us coconut milk AND coconut water then why do we only have cow milk. where is the cow water
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Me: What do you want to be, when you grow up?
6YO *looking me in the eye*: A rockstar artist and God
2020 is like your cat offering to “help” with your jigsaw puzzle.
“we’re broke? how is that possible?”
(extremely high pitched voice)
no idea
“did you-”
*opens closet & hundreds of helium tanks fall out*
Cop: do you know why I stopped…
Me: *holding up hand for a high five*
Cop: umm okay, *high fives* do you…
Me: *I slowly interlock our fingers*
Cop: what are you, Umm
Me: *i hold eye contact* hi
Cop: *blushing* hi lol
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Where do mathematicians go when they die?
The symmetry
Yeah yeah “Friends with Benefits” are cool but have you tried “Friends with Batteries”? Less drama!
Babies who need to wear glasses creep me out. it’s like they are trying to act smarter than me or something, I don’t like it
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
When your boss asks you “do I look stupid to you?” it’s a rhetorical question
I know this now
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
If you can’t handle me getting arrested in my pajama pants at Walmart than you don’t deserve me buying produce in my yoga pants at Target.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
[first day working at Viagra]
BOSS: We need a new slogan.
ME: *sweating* This is really hard.
BOSS: You’re a goddamn genius, Johnson.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Dinosaurs never could’ve survived til the present day. Could you imagine a stegosaurus in a Honda Civic? It’d be totally ridiculous in 2017.
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
Stan was confident he was no longer able to make quick getaways because the holes were now smaller.
I’ve changed a lot as a parent after 4 kids. My oldest started school knowing a lot of random academic things. My 4th will start school knowing the lyrics to Queen. We will find out which method works best in like 20 yrs or so.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
They ordered two extra large pizzas at work.
I wonder what everyone else is going to eat.
I just tried to sneeze quietly and broke everything inside of me.
I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”
Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
In-laws are coming over for lunch, which leaves me just enough time to buy a better house, master a new career and develop a less antagonistic personality. Wish me luck!
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD