Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
You Might Also Like
Quentin Tarantino + Johnny Depp = Rango Django
Jesus [on the cross]: I hope you guys make some cool necklaces about this
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
Parenting books don’t prepare you for the moment your seven year old asks for Brussels sprouts in his lunchbox
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
[Bucket Lists]
2003:
1. Visit Rome
2. Go skydiving
3. Run marathon2017:
1. Eat sitting down
2. Wake up naturally
3. Finish painting foyer
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
i got the covid booster and a flu shot earlier today and the guy giving it to me was like “are you getting this for school or work?” and i panicked and said “for fun”
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
By 33, you’d think I’d have figured out at some point along the way where to put my arms when I sleep.
If video games have taught me anything, it’s that you’ll automatically get promoted if you kill your boss
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
Direct deposit: +1400
Me at Cheesecake Factory: yeah I’ll take one of each slice
Kinda cool how they based an entire country off of Mexican food.
I tuxedo what I tuxewant.
Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
The part I hate about this new cereal is unwrapping all the foil eggs.
I noticed that you’re still staring at me after I already answered your question, what can we do to stop this
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
Jesus: take of this bread, for it is my body
Judas: *cough* nepobaby *cough*
Jesus: what?
Judas: what?
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
My dream catcher has asked for hazard pay.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop