Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
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Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
People telling me “Don’t be stupid” like I have some kinda say in the matter.
Son: Dont be a square. Everything is groovy.
Me: What are you doing?
Son: Like totally speaking your language, fer sure!
Me:
Son: Hello fellow olds!
Friend: [rubs my shoulder] Aw, honey, your life isn’t over. It’s just beginning!
Me: *sobs even harder
I don’t want to hear about any moonlit romantic walks on the beach…unless there’s a clown with a wooden club chasing you.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
Them: Do you know who you look like?
Me: No, and I’d prefer we kept it that way.
The right response to “I’m a bit tied up at the moment” isn’t “what are you wearing?”
Apparently.
[3 dads circling new neighbor on their bikes]
“im not looking for any trouble”
all three dads in unison: HI NOT LOOKING FOR TROUBLE IM DAD
Death certificates are our last participation award.
Apparently if you perm a yak’s hair and spin it around a bunch of times it’s good for your libido…
…It’s a well known afro dizzy yak
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
Sometimes going with the flow you end up in a sewer.
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
Gordon Ramsay: this is absolute garbage
Raccoon Line Cook: thank you chef
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
If you had to choose between voting for Trump or getting into the water with sharks, would you dive in or do a cannon ball?
Doctor: tell me everything you told the nurse 5 minutes ago.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Judge: How do you plead?
Me: Well, I can’t speak for the defendant—
J: Of course you can, you’re his attorney
M: Oh what fun! In that case, he’s clearly guilty as hell!
Some cultures fear that when someone takes your photograph they steal your soul.
You should be fine, though.
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
Me: [sobbing] Don’t you have anything left to give me? Are you that empty inside? How can you be so cold?
Fridge: Boy, you knew who I wuz.
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m that bored in the house 🥺
#lockdownextension