We don’t have any sports this weekend. Everyone can sleep in.
The cat: Bet
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Just saw my husband’s glasses on the side of a milk carton.
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
The door is closed? I want in. The door is open? I want out. Actually I just want to sit in the door frame itself. – Pets
Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
[giraffe party]
me: see?! i told you…
wife: honey, it’s fine.
me: *scanning room for another giraffe wearing his tie up by his head* nope. i’m moving mine down.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
Hearing those four little words always makes my day.
“Your order just shipped.”
on our farm rn we have 16 regular ducks. and then we have reginald. reg is 4lbs of pure hatred in the approximate shape of a duck. he is the duck god of chaos. every night he refuses, with violence, to go inside his coop, despite loving it in there. i hate him but i respect him
Due to a gypsy curse, I gain weight each time I consume more calories than are burned by my basal metabolic rate plus daily activities.
is there a place where we can lay down and eat cheese?
-first day at work, orientation question
Hello My Friends…
Travel this week will keep me busy. So, No I’m not ignoring you while I dance with cats. Patience please.
I’m going to complain about the cold until a Canadian gets mad enough to say something rude, like ‘I’m sorry but it’s colder in Canada.”
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
We belong together like chocolate and strawberries, like burgers and fries, like laundry and exercise equipment.
[airplane strafes the ground with machine guns]
Mozzarella: *checks self* I’m OK.
Cheddar: Me too! That was close, eh Swiss? …Swiss?
If my kids ask, the ice cream container was only half full when I bought it
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
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10. He is a cat.
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
6 year old: I ate all my lunch today!!
The evidence to the contrary:
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
Answering spam calls just to brush up on my pig latin is way more entertaining than I expected.
This is a true ally.