This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
A baby bear catches snowflakes.
A lot of people don’t realize that Donald Glover and Childish Gambino are actually Hannah Montana
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
All arrangements are edible if you’re hungry enough.
My kid to his cousin: will you eat my dinner if I give you 10 bucks?
His cousin: yeah sure
My kid to his uncle: can you spare 10 bucks if it makes auntie happy?
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
Yesterday, I passed a beautifully remodeled ranch home with an adorable front porch and one of those country chic wooden board signs beside the front door with vertical letters saying:
G
O
A
W
A
YAnd I am here for that energy.
A pack of coyotes shrieking outside your house at 11:59 PM is slightly less unsettling if you imagine one of them just won a new car.
netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Boyfriend walked into the bathroom as I was taking a tampon out.
He screamed: PLEASE SAY IT ISN’T LIT! I DON’T WANNA GO OUT LIKE THIS!
[slight drizzle outside]
Other motorists: oh no ah what is this wetness I forget how to drive
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
ENGLAND: people are CROSSING OUR BORDERS for ECONOMIC ADVANCEMENT!!!
THE ENTIRE GODDAMNED WORLD FROM LIKE 1583 to 1997: u don’t say
“Did you ask if it was haunted?”, my husband asks as he heads out the door to pick up a set of drawers I found on FB marketplace.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Stages of gardening:
1. Excitedly gather supplies
2. Start pulling weeds
3. Kneel in nest of ants
4. Get bitten by 40 ants
5. Be done gardening
Is it still casual sex if you’re wearing a tuxedo?
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.