Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
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ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Battery falling down a hole
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I have a coworker with the same first name as me, and my boss is always talking about sending him on trips or assigning him projects, and it makes me anxious even though I know he’s not talking about me.
I bet Beyoncé doesn’t have this problem.
Me: *making a snow angel*
Bartender: …ok, he’s cut off. Get him off the dance floor
Picture a travel softball team doing a TikTok dance in a public restroom.
Now picture me stuck in the stall because they have to re-record 12 times to get it “post-worthy.”
Can you guess where I’m tweeting from?
In my defense,
I was left unsupervised.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
it was 1997 i was outside McDonald’s on Queen St age 15, an old lady barked “speak English” at a pair of young Korean men and without missing a beat one of them goes “OOooo i want a nice cup of TEA look at ME I’m ENGLISH i want to eat PLAIN TOAST” i miss him every single day
[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
Me: I can’t, I actually have a nice little date this weekend.
My nice little date:
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
I save a lot of money on all my tooth extractions by engaging in street fights..
If you REALLY need to get laid tonight, put on your oldest or most ridiculous underwear. It works every single time.
Sick of dudes not calling you after sex? Do it with me. I’ll call you thirty times a day. Even if you change your number, I will find you.
50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]