[diner]
Waitress: What’ll it be?
Me: (doing connect-the-dots in the kids menu) A giraffe, I think.
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“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Mars: I’m wet
NASA: I’m coming over
Of course I support real issues.
I donate hundreds of dollars to the Girl Scouts every year for the ‘No Cookie Left Uneaten’, movement
Please do it!
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
To everyone who mocked me for keeping my old maternity pants for so long … who’s laughing now
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
*calls mom*
“Ma I made 3 friends on twitter today”
*long pause*
“Mom?”
*mom stares at 3 fake twitter accounts she made, fights tears*
“Mom?”
good work, everybody
SOMEONE PARKED IN MY SPOT AT WORK. THAT’S IT. I’M GOING HOME.
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
Just bought Colgate mouthwash ’cause it builds stronger gums and someday my gums might have to lift a car off a baby.
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
Buffalo Wild Wings: Did you order ahead?
Me: No it was just wings.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.