My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
You tell me to “walk a mile in your shoes” but the second I break into your house to steal your shoes, you call the cops. Make up your mind.
they say penguins mate for life, but that’s bullshit cause my penguin left me first chance she had
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
When I die I don’t want a big funeral. I’d just like a few of my close friends to get together and try to bring me back to life…
Time flies when you duct tape an alarm clock to a pelican.
Thanks to smartphones, the toilet has been transformed from a place of quiet reflection to my remote business command center. I’m not avoiding work. I’m literally getting shit done.
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.
Toddler: [spills cup of apple juice]
Me: Don’t move!
Toddler: [sits on spill]
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
As the zombies swarm, I ask for one last selfie. By the time they realise their dead flesh won’t activate the touch screen, I’m long gone.
Just passed a mum with her little girl, no older than 7, who was crying over a skinned knee.
Mum: I don’t think we need to cry over this anymore.
Little girl, still crying: This is in NO WAY a WE situation.
I’m never asking a man to buy me tampons again
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If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
I could NOT have put it better myself.
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[Watching boxing]
Sure bro, I watch boxing all the ti- HEY DID YOU SEE WHAT HE JUST DID?! HE JUST PUNCHED THAT GUY! SOMEONE CALL THE COPS!
The best way to let someone know you hate them is to ask them to be in a wedding
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
RIP boiling water. You will be mist.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
I learned today the the gender neutral version of Sugar Daddy is Glucose Guardian and I support that
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?
Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-
Him: *running away*
Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!
Why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign
why did they have to make a sign![]()
hey sorry I missed your text, I am processing a non-stop 24/7 onslaught of information with a brain designed to eat berries in a cave.
I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.
The scene from Shawshank Redemption where Andy’s free & kneeling in the rain, except it’s me after any conversation with my mom finally ends
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”