My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.
Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
I’m going to run errands, need anything?
“Yes, some new light bulbs”
Why, our current bulbs are too heavy?
“And a good divorce lawyer”
Social distancing has taken all the fun out of avoiding people.
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
The hardest part about raising a centaur baby is having people know you banged a horse.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
My daughter keeps saying there’s no such thing as a mistake in the kitchen, which is just so adorably wrong.
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
Joe Biden is in the White House kitchen right now licking every piece of silverware and putting them back in the drawer
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
[50 years from now]
*visiting husband’s grave*
“I wanted to let you know that after all these years I’ve finally figured out where I want to go to eat.”
Christmas Karening is like Christmas Caroling. But instead of going door to door singing, you go store to store asking for the manager.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
squirrel: *points gun*
me: what do you want me to do?
squirrel: *gestures at sign*
me: alright, i get it *opens book drop*
squirrel: *makes hurry-up motion*
me: NOT A SQUIRREL!
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!
Friend: cool
Me: yeah even blood
Friend: um I gotta go
Me: lol no you’re staying
Kinda gross IMO, but I guess everyone needs a hobby.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day