My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
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1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
Dreamed I won the lottery last night – $35 on a scratch ticket. Clearly I have a rich fantasy life lately.
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
If they’re going to advertise “Shots available now!” they really should specify if it’s needle or drinky.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
Wile E Coyote: I like my dinner on the run if you know what I mean
*pulls up to the Taco Bell window*
Wait wait wait wait wait wait wait…
What if giving up is overrated?
DATE: I like your shirt.
ME: Well you can’t have it.
“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”
wife: what time is it
me, trying to set the world record for longest anyone has gone without bending their elbows: you know I can’t see my watch
*a friend tells me their problems*
me: mhm, ok, have you tried eating about it?
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
Just think, there is coming an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: “Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?”
Pineapple is simply evil. Think about it:
• step on it, it stabs you
• eat too much, it’ll shred your tongue
• put it on pizza and before you know it you’ll find yourself in the psych wardIt’s definitely an unforgiving fruit and I will accept no argument on this.
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
Did you hear there is a tampon shortage? Somebody better get in there and pull some strings
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Heard covid makes everything taste like lacroix. I am now wearing seven masks
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
It’s like my Mom always said FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: