If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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If I was in charge of the Batman movies I would do a brief scene where it’s implied there is a Batman in every city in America, each of varying skill. For example, the one in Grand Rapids is locked in his car
Her: so, are you seeing anyone?
Me: nope, it’s just the voices.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Me: *ziplines into wedding* “Sup nerds?” *pants get caught and tear off leaving me dangling naked upside down*
Priest: “Ooh a piñata!”
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
Every once and a while you come across a person full of zest for life, that person is the reason they invented chloroform.
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
*giraffe getting his daily coffee*
G: usual grande mocha man
Barista: gee that’s a…
G: *sigh*
B:…tall order
G: Christ, every goddam day Phil
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Narrator: The Blue Ringed Octopus while cute, is not recommended for the home aquarist. No larger than a golf ball, it contains enough venom to kill 26 humans. Handling one would result in certain death.
Me: I need one
Hard not to take this personally
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Sorry, can’t. My husband is having a snoring contest with the dog and apparently I’m the judge.
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Is it just me, or have KFCs started getting too picky with their ‘no shoes, no shirt, no service’ policy…?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
“All dogs love me. He’s friendly! Look how he’s smiling, showing me his teeth.”
“Hey Buddy, let me just grab your collar to read your ta”
And those were his last words
Sober me:
It would be convenient to have a urinal in my house.
Drunk me:
A urinal! *pees in sink*
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Me: How long should I microwave this for?
Popcorn instructions: How should we know?
The 5 signs of laziness
1.
on paper i am not against my neighbour playing piano all the time but it would be very nice if they played anything other than the pirates of the caribbean theme
gf: you should learn from your mistakes
me: ok! so teach me
I forgot how to panic. Help