If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
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ME: here’s your bday present!
BUDDY: [tries to grab it but it won’t budge] did u wrap your own hand flipping the bird again
ME: just open it
Give a man a roll of toilet paper, he wipes for a day
Give a man a CVS receipt, he wipes for a lifetime
how did ur grandpa get dementia and forget EVERYTHING except the racism
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Once in a while I post a subtweet. I hope you’re reading this Susan. I want my Gameboy back. Bitch.
If you’re gonna name your son after you, at least make it interesting. Like, instead of Junior, go with something like “Jeff 2: Revenge of the Jeff
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
[Parker Brothers Meeting: 1903]
Boss: We need a tedious game that will last for hours & tear families apart.
And Monopoly was born.
Psychiatrist “Tell me about your trust issues.”
Me “No”
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
I said to my wife, ‘Hey, I really love these new furry condoms.”
‘Bob, that’s a cat.’
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
They should make halloween albums like they do for Christmas. I’d love to hear a Michael Bublé version of Monster Mash.
Thanks to Garfield I learned that cats love lasagna
Thanks to my veterinarian I learned that cats are allergic to garlic
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
[first day as a scientist]
*accidentally finishes science*
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no