2013: why would anyone care what the losers on reddit think
2023: the losers on reddit are the last remaining source on the internet for reviews of products and services that aren’t paid for or some kind of scam
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Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
Me: I CAN’T BREATHE
EMT: *checks my pulse*
Me: I’M GONNA DIE
EMT: What happened?
Yoga instructor: He was putting his shoes on
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Turns out that the best way to find a flat head screw driver is to pretend to look for a phillips one.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
The supermarket cashier asked me ‘if I found everything today’ to which I answered ‘why, are you hiding things?’. She looked confused. I laughed awkwardly. We packed everything away in silence.
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
Based on my date’s reaction, they should really call them “Unhappy Meals.”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
Finally cleans my toaster tray
Finds the map to the lost city of Arzkab
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
me to the government: no broo I swear I don’t make that much money i promise you bro 😭 😬
me to my landlord: I make so much money big dog you know I’m good for it just let me live here bro you don’t have to worry about me fr I promise 😤🤝
I like to play fetch with my cat….which, you know, is just me throwing stuff, followed by disappointment.
Wife: Could you load the dishwasher while you’re in the kitchen?
Husband: I’m in the bathroom now
W: Please change the roll
H: Sorry. Garage.
W: Please wash the car
H: Can’t. I’m in France now
W: Bring back croissants
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth
15 yo daughter has a friend over and suddenly 13 yo son wants to walk around curling dumbbells.
I’m not paying the ransom for my son. We do not negotiate with hospitals.
them: here’s 10 potatoes. eat them all.
me: seriously? i can’t do that. it’s too much food.
them: here’s 10 potatoes that i mashed up and added butter, salt and milk to
me: that’s better
Other kids growing up wanted to be a cowboy or a spaceman. Me, I wanted to be a hippopotamus.
And I’ve still got time.
Enough with the false promises. If you turn on your left signal, you turn left. I don’t care if it was a mistake. You’re turning left now.
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
A guy just walked past with fries and said “fries?” and I was like “cool thanks!” and took three and then he was like “no, I work here, did you order the fries?”. I did not order the fries.
As a kid my favorite part of the school year was emptying the coat closets that last week. Forgotten clothes. Abandoned book bags. And especially that brown bag terrarium that was once a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.