When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
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I believe that every single child, regardless of nationality or citizenship, should be forcibly removed from this country.
When a coworker tells everyone he proposed, I’m the guy that asks, “So, what did she say?”
I’m funny that way.
I just slipped in the shower and my life flashed before my eyes but it was just a series of other times I almost fell.
“i absorbed my twin in utero” dont care. not even impressive. i absorbed a guy just last week. fully grown man. had a family. might absorb them too
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Doesn’t everyone lie on a first date and say they love the outdoors just like they lie in an interview and say they’re proficient at Excel?
Nobody:
NASA scientists: the moon’s wet!
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Sub-Zero: Stop shooting your harpoon at me.
Scorpion: Well, stop shooting ice balls at me.
Sub-Zero: You first.
Scorpion: Nuh uh. You.
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
“my eye is up here”
-Illuminati pyramid
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
The secret to sustaining a happy marriage is to keep the mystery alive. So tonight I decided to clean something unexpectedly.
I tried to check your drinking water for quality and freshness. Next time please warn me when it’s sparkly water that will bite my nose holes
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[I remove my bike helmet, but my toupee comes off with it]
“I’m sorry guys, is there something funny about safety?”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Let’s just call a cruise ship that’s sailing exclusively for married couples what it really is…….a battleship