[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
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The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
I forgot the word “turkey”so I asked the butcher for 20 pounds of oversized angry bird gobble gobble meat.
You are never alone with Cthulhu in your mind. #WednesdayWisdom
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
horses don’t know when they’re acting in a period drama. they just woke up one day and all their friends showed up in stupid outfits.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
When I say someone is a good doctor it’s entirely based on the strength of their waiting room Wi-Fi.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
CANADIAN: im a canadian
DATE: cool i’ve never met a comedian befor
CANADIAN: [is too polite to corect them, dedicates entire life to comedy]
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
FINANCIAL TIP: Invest in any store where you see my wife buying shoes.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
so, is there a mister shapen head
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
{first date}
Him: I’m 100% Italian.
*trying to impress him*
Me: Wow that’s so crazy my dad happens to be a calzone
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Way to go, parents who had to use fraud to get their children into college. Now everyone knows your kids are stupid and will know any time they’re googled. Fine lesson there.
I pack extra bags when I travel so I have room to bring back souvenirs, candies, hotel towels, the extra toilet paper, stuff like that.