thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
I used to think “platitude” was just a really cool platypus.
[store window advert – 50% off everything]
me: is everything really half off?
sales assistant: absolutely
me: even this $750 suit?
sa: yep, we take 50% off at checkout
me: I’ll take it
sa: *cutting it in half* that’ll be $750, please
Cop: Is there a reason why you’re going so fast?
My 8 year old from the back seat: She said the flux capacitor won’t work unless you go 88mph!
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
I only had 3 goals in Monopoly as a kid:
Dog game piece
Boardwalk and Park Place.
Steal your money when you go to the bathroom.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Headline: Oscars stars hit the red carpet
Red carpet: I’m so bruised.
Professor i’d like an extension on my paper. why? well my ex just got married & i have to comment “lame” on all her wedding pics on facebook
receptionist: you’re too late for the how to be a historian conference
me: perfect tell me all about it
receptionist: [muttering] holy shit he’s good
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Before the “accident” they were Duran Duran Duran
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Me: it’s not about how many times you fall, it’s about how many times you get back up
cop: that’s not how field sobriety tests work
Him: You think I’m a liar just because I’m a man?
Me: You think I’m dumb just because I’m blonde?
Him: Yes.
Me: Glad we’re on the same page.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
Wife wants some excitement in the bedroom so I’m going to put small rubber snakes in her underwear drawer
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
[walking into museum]
i must read each and every description, really soak up the history
*after 20 minutes*
can i sit on this or is it art?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
Whatever, hissing raccoon. Sitting there, judging me. I didn’t mean to throw the cake in the trash so it’s still fair game.